The Ford Ass Fire (1994-1996 Ford Aspire)

The mid to late 1990's were not a pretty time for Ford, or the rest of the automotive world. Almost everything on the roads looked a failed Wacky Races extra but boring. But, as with any mess, there are a few cars that rise above the rest. These are the cars that are the worst of the bog of pure shit from that time period. One of those cars is the 1996 Ford Aspire, or more accurately, the Ford "Ass Fire." It is one of the most critically flawed vehicles on   this blog . I would say "buckle up" or "strap in" at this point, but honestly, I wouldn't even recommend getting in the damn thing to start with.  Anyway, brace yourselves for the utter embarrassment to the automotive world that is the 1996 Ford Aspire.

Let's start with how much the average person, or even car enthusiast knows about this car. Well, the world doesn't seem to, or at least doesn't want to, know about the car. What I am About to show you ois the entire Wikipedia article on the vehicle. Okay, here it goes. "The Ford Aspire nameplate has been used by the American automobile manufacturer Ford for the following cars, in the following markets: 

• Ford Festiva, in North America from 1993 to 1997
• Ford Figo, a rebadged third generation Ford Ka, in India since 2015"

There you go. That is all that Wikipedia has on the vehicle. As the article, if you can call it that, so kindly points out, the name was also used on the Ford Festiva in North America. However, towards the end of that tenure, Ford made the shitbox into it's  own vehicle. The vehicle was based largely off the ungainly Ford Festiva Sx, the 1996 Aspire picked up from where that failure had left off. It sported many of the same panelings and an almost identical shape. However, where as the Ford Festiva SX was laughably stupid and killed off quite quickly, this butt-ugly son of a bitch refused to die and became an unfortunate scar on the company's, at that time already failing, reputation. Another thing that is difficult to tell is what warped mind was responsible for the pure disaster that was the design of the vehicle. This was largely due to the fact that the Aspire wasn't even originally buit by Ford at all, it was built by Kia for the Korean market. Did the motoring world care? Fuck no! They just new the damn this was toxic as hell and knew to stay the hell away from one. There were Evan several joke calls to local authorities with one basic complaint... "someone has put a horrible statue where my parking space is supposed to be."

Anyway, now let's talk stats. An important thing to note here is that the car was available in both automatic drive and manual. Let's start by talking feul consumption. Keep in mind that, by this point, the 1995 first generation Toyota Prius Hybrid was already in place. With that out of the way, here are the numbers.

 Automatic (City): 8.0 mpg

Automatic (Highway): 6.3 mpg

Manual (city): 6.9 mpg

Manual (highway): 5.2 mpg

Those numbers are some of the worst-in-class for this class of vehicle.  And while we are on the subject of worst-in-class things, the 3-Dr only had one engine... a tiny little shit-can of an 8-valve 1.3L L4 SOHC. That's right, the tragic little Honda engine went in a Ford made by Kia. And the cheap low grade part's didn't stop there as the car boasted a sluggish and sticky 3-speed automatic gearbox that made the gearbox in the Mustang II look like the work of gods. Many gearbox failures were reported in the 1996  version of the car, as well as many reports of the gear stick either getting stuck, normally whilst on the highway, or snapping clean off. Then we come to the car's top speed. Well, there isn't really much of one as this hunk of junk could only reach 180KMPH (111 mph). A slightly better version was made available to make up for this. This version added 2 more horsepower and a 5-speed gearbox.
Everything about this car is tragic, enough said.

Aston Martin DB5: One Of The Most Iconic Cars Ever Made

Yes, there was once a time where cars were actually allowed to look this good. Sadly, the art of building a car with a beautiful shape to last generations has been lost. That is why, in a modern age of flat-body Lamborghini's and Ferrari clones with absolutely nothing that makes them unique except for the price tag and top speed, it is always good to remember what a truly beautiful and rare car looks like. That is why, today, in this article, I hope to give you a taste of the glory and pure beauty and brilliance that is the iconic Aston Martin DB5.

First of all, to any person on  this planet who is lucky enough to own any version of this car, you a god among the race of man. Second of all, if you are the sort of person who owns such a magnificent vehicle and had chosen to neglect it, sitting in an abandoned shed perhaps, then you deserve to be thrown into the fires of hell for all eternity.

Anyway, now I have gotten that out of the way, time for the actual review. Just a quick heads up, expect nothing buy pure love for this car. So if you are looking for a hate review on this beauty of the road and silver screen, look elsewhere, although I imagine it might be hard to find one.

So, where to start. Well, I suppose a good a place as any to start would be to talk about what exactly makes this car an icon of the motoring world. So, as many people already know, Aston Martin is a British based car company that specializes in making extremity beautiful luxury suparcars. However they may not be as popular  as they are today without a little film called Gold Finger. That's right, it is almost impossible to talk about the Aston Martin DB5 without mentioning the James Bond film Gold Finger, or the other way around for that matter. The film has been regarded as one of, not only the greatest Bond films of all time, but also one of the greatest films of all time. Anyway, the film was, and still is very popular through almost all viewing audiences, and the Aston martins work of beauty was one of the reasons why. Not only did it really kickstart the whole cars aspect of the Bond film franchise, an aspect that has since then never be forgotten, but it was also front and center in the film. Even though the car was covered in some of the coolest extras of all time, such as a blades coming from the wheels and an ejector seat, but the film also did a brilliant job of showcasing the cars glory. The film made it absolutely clear that the car didn't need any extra gadgets to make the car look amazing... it already was. The car has made a few other returns to the Bond film series in one of the best Bond films and best films of all time, Goldeneye, and another main role in the epic 50th anniversary Bond film Sky Fall, this time as Bond's own personal vehicle. Don't feel two bad that the vehicles got destroyed as, for one thing, the ones that got destroyed were stunt vehicles, and secondly, Bond basically bestows the kiss of death upon any vehicle he drives. And hey, as proven in the film Spectre, at least the steering wheel survives from Sky Fall.

Anyway, now we have cover the DB5's main film appearances we can talk about that cost of this elegant motoring machine. Simply put... it's a lot. In more refined terms, listings online from the Classic Driver website price the vehicle at anywhere from around $783,370 to around  $1,109,775, and that isn't even counting the Price On Request ones, which are even more expensive. So, what do you get if you have this much cash to spend on a car that you won't even drive more than a hundred days a year due to ridicules insurance? Well let me tell you.  First off you get a beautifully designed and hand crafted motor vehicle that tops out at around 145, mph, hey if you were in this for the mind blowing top speed you should be looking for modern supercars and hypercars. Next, the care comes with a 4.0 L engine that packs  282 brake horsepower and a ; a new robust ZF five-speed transmission as well as  three SU carburettors, and that is only in the base model. The DB5  also came standard with reclining seats, wool carpets, electric windows, twin fuel tanks, chrome wire wheel hubs, an oil cooler, built in magnesium-alloy body built to the superleggera patent technique, exquisite full leather trim in the cabin and even a fire extinguisher for safety reasons. All versions of the car have two doors and are of a 2+2 configuration. The car even handles beautify.

And there you have it, the car that is the reason why true motoring enthusiast would gladly give up their home and healthcare and move into a trailer park to be able to purchase one of the finest cars man has ever made.

The PT Looser (2005 PT Cruiser Convertible)

Okay... this one is bad. Really, really bad. As if the normal hard-top version of this hipster shitbox wasn't bad enough, they had to go and give it a convertible roof that is so bad the modern Volkswagen Beetles are laughing. The 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible is a nightmare of bad taste and even worse craftsmanship. How bad is it exactly? well, keep reading this article to find out. With that out of the way, lets dive in.

First off, let's talk about who actually likes this car.  Well, almost no one does. This car was so bad it even ranked as the 16th Worst Car Of All Time in an article published by The Street. However, there are a few people who like this car, for some reasons. Most of those people fall into one main ctagoy. This is the category that we, the general public, like to call "The Dumbasses." These are the idiots are ones who fall for the low price tag gimmick. You can get a  of the 2005 PT Cruiser in great used condition for under $5,000. But should you? Hell no! The dumbasses who buy vehicles like this tent to have one thing on their minds. that being, cheap, low-level, convertible muscle, despite its many flaws. Honestly, i didn't think I'd be writing these word but, save up just a bit more cash and buy a 2005 Ford Mustang convertible... even a V6 version. Honestly, the more and more I learn about the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible, the more and moor a convertible V6 Ford Mustang of the same year begins to look like the greatest car in existence.

Remember when, a few lines ago, I mentioned that " The dumbasses who buy vehicles like this tent to have one thing on their minds. that being, cheap, low-level, convertible muscle, despite its many flaws." Well, here is where I talk about those many, many flaws. This could be a long list so strap in.

First off, the steering. I'm pretty sure most of you readers have either been on a bumpercar or seen one in  action. They slide around like they are on ice. People enjoy bumping into each other in the presuit of fun. Well, it is a similar experince behind the wheel of the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible, just instead of whooping and laughing when you slam into another car, you will be explaining to your mechanic, car insurance company and hospital why you make an average of three to five appointments a month. Seriously, the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible was ranked #1 in worst steering for vehicles of its class that year. Another problem this vehicle was known for was what happened when it got too cold out. Some vehicles, normally older ones, have problems starting up when the temperature drops. However, this vehicle got complaints right out of the gate. Not only would it not start but, due to a lack of sealing under the hood, the temperature would cause such problems as bad ignition starts, damaged plugs and wires, and even engine frost, a frost damage related problem where the en=gine freezes over. These problems were even worse than the ones found in BMW's 2005 M3. And to top it off, some of these problems occurred at temperatures starting at 38 degrees. Speaking of weather related problems, say you were driving along on a sunny day with the top down in almost any other modern convertible. The, all of the sudden, it starts to rain. No problem right? You just put the top up. Well good luck with that in the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible. This was because this accident prone roof was known to get stuck about 1 of every 3 to 4 tries. Next, we have the interior design, or, lack there of. It looked like a pseudo-luxury Saturn Ion crossed with the interior of the 2005  Ford Focus Station Wagon. 

See what I mean? Absolutely terrible. It looks like it may have been designed by a depressed preschooler who is high as hell off of sniffing glue. Seriously, I made fun of the Toyota Prius for having a plastic-filled interior bet even that wasn't this bad. Now we can talk about the aborted whale fetus baby that is the exterior of the vehicle. That was putting it nicely. The car starts off halfway between the fires of hell and a shitter by keeping the a;ready appallingly horrible design that made the original hard top version so bad. The not to mention that they didn't make any effort at all to make the roof support bar mesh with the rest of the car, if you can even call it a car. The result is a convertible that looks worse than Tanner's Chevy Express Van convertible that he built for Top Gear USA's Alaskan Convertible episode... at least Tanner's convertible was fully functional for what they needed itto do AND HE COULD DRIFT IT. Last but certainly not least, the brake issues. Yeah, they were pretty bad. The brakes not only wore out very, very quickly,but there were even reports of them failing without even leaving the dealership. There are some more repairs, hospital bills and insurance forms for you top sign. This car will, in a verry quick time, cost the ovner not only more mony than it is worth, which is $0.00 by the way, but will also cost more than it cost to purchase in the first place.

Now, if you'll excuse me, i must now go look at some Ford Pintos and Yugos to get my sanity back. 

10 Million Horses: Ford Celebrates 10,000,000 of the most iconic American muscle car ever made

The Ford Mustang. Anyone who has ever glanced at the car world knows the car. It has been around for a long time, since the vehicle was first launched in the early part of the 1960's, it has had many diffrent styles and generations, some better than others. But when was the last time you bothered to check how many of these incoic muscle cars have been mad? Probably a long time if ever. However, as you most likely know if you pay any atention at all to the automotive world, the car just made a big boom in the numbers world. On August 8th, 2018, ford announced the Ten Millionth Mustang! This occasion was marked by, among many things, by spelling the number in mustangs (see above). At this point it is only fair to show the many versions of the iconic Ford Mustang since it was created.

Generation 1: The Origional

The first generation Mustang has become, and almost certainly always will be, an iconic symbol in the worlds of not only American Muscle Cars and Muscle cars in general, but in iconic symbol across the motoring world. It's stylish. It's iconic. It was a game changer.... oh yeah, and it's fast. Anyone with even the slightest interest in cars can't help but stare if they see on go buy. It's the mustang that launched America's most iconic muscle car.

 Mustang MK II: Oh No

Riding high on the blazing success of its original iconic muscle car, Ford decided to market it's sale of the vehicle that makes many worst car of att time lists, the Ford Mustang II. People bought it, expecting the qualities that made the first car so amazing. But they got a trash-compacted shit heap instead. Nothing worked about this vehicle. It has even been known as fords second worst fail... right behind the infamous bomb on wheels, the pinto.

 Mustang Generation 3: Huh?

We would forgive you for not recognizing this as a Mustang. Mostly because it looks like a cross between an elongated origional Fiat Panda, and an original Ford Fiesta. However, that's not to say it doesn't have its own unique charm. People have been known to call it "The Cute-stang." And At least it isn't as bad as the Mustang II.

Mustang Mach One: A Mustang For Bond

That's right, it is arguably the most bad ass mustang ever made. It Was released for the for the first time in 1971 and was a huge hit. Everything about it just screams "Badass right her!" Yeah, they even got James Bond to Drive One in Diamonds Are Forever. Fucking bad ass.

Generation Four: Bad Looks On An Okay Car

There are many reasons do dislike, hate, or just straight up forget this version of the mustang. Even ford doesn't like it. It's looks are bland, ther were a massive upsurge in V6 Mustangs in this time, and it drives worse than a soap-box racer. To put it simply, there is a company going down hilll, and then there is a company falling off a cliff. And dont even get me started on the convertible. Sadly, this is one of the three most common Mustangs on the road today.

Generation 5: A Turn For The Better

The Generation 5 Mustang was a turn for the better. It lasted longer than many of the versions that came before it. Another interesting note is that Dodge ended up stealing it's looks for their reboot of the Dodge/Ram charger. Sadly, this version of the iconic pony-car will most like;y be known more for the fact that it lead to the spike in the V6 Mustang market than for actual being a good car.

Generation 6: Smooth Muscle... With A Downsisde

How could ford top the amazing 2012 remake of the already iconic Shelby GT500? Well, in a short answer, it couldn't. Don't get me wrong, it is still a nice  car, and looks like a more modern mustang should, it just feels too smooth. Too tame. It just feels off. Another downside is that this car had the unfortunate time frame of being released around the time of Ford's newest engine, one that was made for their re-imagining of the Fusion,. We got the Mustang-spirit killing Eco Boost Mustang. all the sudden the Mustang became more fordable to the masses, but at a cost. It was no longer really a super cool muscle car. It felt, to many, to driving around in a slightly cooler For Fusion. And who wants that? Well apparently the public did as it sold frustratingly well.