Toyota Hilux

There are many types of trucks on the planet today. Most go on the road, some go off the road, some do both. And there are many brands that make those types of trucks.  For the latest pile of crap that is the type of truck that Honda likes to make, to Ford's latest racing Raptor, you have many choices when it comes to buying your workhorse. However, there is one four-wheeled, rugged beast, that rises above the rest. And it comes from a brand that you might not expect. That's right, its a Toyota. Some say that it is just a truck like any other. We say it is the best truck in the world. It also serves as Toyota's apology for their wimpy hunk of junk called the Toyota Prius. Apology more than accepted.

Unlike other companies such as Honda, Toyota's truck, the Hilux, has an amazing history of success. This success started way back with the first model of the truck all the way back in 1968, fifty years ago, in a truck market mostly dominated by the big American brands that were, and still are, Chevy and Ford. It also was illegal in America for a while because of the parts used to make it. It was deemed too powerful and unsafe for the US  market. But that didn't stop pieces for the trucks being sent over the border into the United States and build built HERE. But it is still badass and tough as ever, and, as Top Gear UK and Top Gear USA both proved, completely INDESTRUCTIBLE!

Toyota Prius

Imagine being around eight years old in 1997 and your dad has just got a big holiday bonus and, one night, he says he is going to trade in your family's old car and get a new one. The entire family is exited and waits on the doorstep leading into the driveway, ready to see what the new car will be. Maybe a Ford or a Chevy. Now imagine your sad face as your dad pulls into the driveway in a car that looks like a reject from the recycling plant.

Now fast forward to today where Toyota still makes cars that look and sound worse then Donald Trump's most recent midnight Tweet. Toyota's hunk of junk hybrid known as the Prius has changed a few times in terms of styling over the years, if you can call it styling that is. They appear to create each new design of the car by squeezing it through the new cheapest Play-Doh press and seeing what shape would look at home in a town's land fill. Despite all this, the Toyota Prius is the city of San Francisco, California. This means that lots of people in San Francisco have at leas a small thing wrong with the way their brains function.

But enough of the history of this crappy tin can, lets talk about the car itself. Now, I ride in a 2011 white Toyota Prius most of the time. Trust me, it was not by choice. It was either the Japanese ride from hell, or a 2006 Ford Focus station wagon, a car that has such bad steering you might as well need a boating licence to drive it. But anyway, lets us talk about the car's interior.  Most car's interior gets BETTER as the time goes on.  This is not the case with the Prius. Interior improvements for the Prius series stopped around 2009. Here is a question for all you readers. Do any of you have memories of riding in a car, possibly in the back, maybe late at night, and propped your head against the side of the door, just below the window, to have a little snooze and make the ride go by faster? I'm guessing that most of you have memories at least similar to that. What's that you say? You would like to attempt that in a Prius? Well, I'm sorry but that is almost impossible. That is mostly because the top of the door of a Prius, where you would rest your head, is solid plastic of the worst kind imaginable. Every time the Prius hits even the smallest of bumps, and sometimes when you don't hit anything at all, the impact can be felt on all inner-door panels.  This flings your head off off the door and flings you out of your dreams of a better car, so basically any car but a Prius. Before you can recover from this sudden shock, the weight of your head and the force known as gravity, will slam your head painfully against the glass of the awful plastic of the door frame. The same horrible plastic can be found on the dashboard.

So I think I might have given some solid consumer advice. NEVER OWN A PRIUS... EVER!

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Citroen 2CV

Recently my email has been getting many requests to review another James Bond car. Well, you probably weren't expecting this one. James bond was only ever a passenger in the Citroen 2CV used in the film For Your Eyes Only, that is until he gains control of the wheel after the car is flipped on his side. Known world wide as "the better-looking VW Beetle." This car, although hated by many has a past rich with color. It was built to replace the common horse,  but that is not the only thing this little  car is known for. It was currently in the prototype stage during World War Two in France, when the Nazis arrived. In a quick but bold move, the prototypes for the 2CV were hidden across France. Some were burred underground. Some were hidden in run-down barns and houses. They are still turning up in odd places, even today. It official went into production in 1948, and stopped being made in 1990, all with verry little detail and design changes to the original. I would personally still have one of these over a Volkswagen Betle, as this car is a four-door that is somewhere between a hatchback and a coupe. All in all, a funny and iconic little car, and if it is good enough for James Bond, then it should be good enough for you.

Smart Car

Mercedes-Benz is known for creating relatively luxurious cars, normally for upper middle class and above. They have been responsible for some of the sleekest and most iconic cars of the last 100 years. From the iconic gull-wing roadster, to the SLK and SLS, not to mention the Mercedes-Benz AMG performance car decision, Mercedes has made some super cool cars. However, there is, as is the case with most brands, an elephant in the room. A company that is owned by Mercedes-Benz and their parent/partner company Daimler AG. I’m talking about SMART. Founded in 1994, the brand is known for making a car that looks the same, with small differences that turn it from bland and boring, to a squished jelly-bean. Apart from the 2003 SMART roadster, which never even saw release in the United States, the designs have been as bland and boring as the late 90’s and early 2000’s muscle cars. SMART tries to make their cars more eye-catching colors, such as the eye-burning yellow that will look perfectly at home when your brakes give out while pushing the car to the built in limiter on the highway and you end up embedded in a hazard sign post. After 2014, only SMART-ELECTRIC cars were released in America. A marketing and advertising campaign for the most recent SMART convertible called it “the perfect car to drive with your family along sunny roads by the beach, filled with compact elegance.” How High were they when they wrote that? The car is a two-seater, and the second a child touches the damn thing, it will tip over, so don’t even think about driving too close to s lovely beach view cliff, unless you want to experience first-hand what it is like to have a midget wet-weather wheel chair compacted into a nice ball... a ball that probably had better mobility and a better turning circle than it did before. Also, there is no reason for a digital speed limiter to even exist in this car, except for the fact that if you go to fast, say 116 mph down a hill, the whole thing starts shaking like a Yugo That has just come down from a crack high. It is a car meant to fit in alleyways between buildings, and cramped spaces in building and driveways in big cities. Also, if you are just over 6 foot 3, you might always have to have the roof open, or risk getting the worlds most bruised head other than a victim of a wrecking-ball drop. The glass used to make the windows in 2010 and 2015 had to be redesigned 5 tones to fit industry standards. Also, for the money you pay, for an electronic model, even without the performance package, you are better off buying one of little electric cars they make for kids. Seriously, this is a problem if biblical proportions. And it needs to be stopped.

Dodge Viper ACR (2014)

The Dodge Viper exploded to the scene in the late 90s, and hasn’t really changed a lot since then. Even so, it was quite sad to hear that, at the end of 2017, it would. be put out of production. This was so dodge could make way for the Dodge Demon in their lineup. However, I am not here talk about the demon. I’m here to talk about the Viper, in this case the 2014 Dodge Viper ACR. 

There have been many versions of the Dodge Viper ACR since it began. But the look that we know and love today really started with the 2008 version. A later version of the normal viper body, badass scary put events, a badge that is a brake light, and a massive wing are just some of the features that make this car so cool to look at. 

The ACR versions from 2008 and 2014 May not be the fastest Vipers, actually the slowest in the entire range of new vipers, but they are definitely the coolest. The reason that it  is slower than the other vipers, at least the newer versions, is because of the massive GT spoiler wing at the back. The swing provides down force. That means it forces the car into the track for better handling. This makes the car very adept at turning, and as it was meant as a race car, this is something that you want. The car is interior is pretty good for such a loud car. The seats are nice, steering wheel has just the right amount of grip, and the pedals aren’t too clunky. Nor is the gearshift. While it is hard, you can find this car in an automatic gearbox if you are an idiot. If you end up purchasing the automatic version, you are inferior scum that deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth. Seriously though, this car is much worse as an automatic. It was a really stupid decision of dodge to even release is one. If you not have enough talent to drive a manual car, then you have no right owning the 2014 Dodge Viper ACR.

I mentioned before the car was extremely loud. It is. Very very very loud. It’s the loudest viper stock you can buy. The car has a massive engine that sends so much power to  the wheels that it feels absolutely insane. This car takes off like a rocket. Take off can be so brutal in fact, that the seats actually had to be reshaped from the previous ACR versions, just so the driver’s neck wouldn’t snap. Seriously insane stuff. 

The car can go from 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds. That might not sound like a lot, especially when compared to the Dodge Demon that can do it in 2.3 seconds, but this car is excel ration is so mind meltingly fast, that it might feel like 1.1 seconds. Has 600 pounds of torque per foot, as well as near-perfect steering control. The car comes with some seriously awesome tires and 645 horse power from a 8.4 Liter V 10 engine. You can pick up a 2014 model for about $88,000. Or the 2017 version for Around $90,000. And that’s without all the optional extras.

So what are you waiting for? Go ride in one today, And go buy one, if you can, before It disappears from the general market market, to make way for the dodge demon.

Lamborghini Countach

I am going to compose myself and prepare for the shit-storm of hate that will be blown my way at the end of this review. Okay here we go.

In the 1960’s Lamborghini was at the top of its game in the 20th century, with cars like the stunning Miura. Which is why,  when, in 1974, petrol-heads and the general public alike, was stunned When Lamborghini released the Countach. This “retro rocket” screamed “STUPID!” as it flew past, leaving only the sound of it’s awful and distorted V12 engine in its wake. Then, only a few moments later, you would hear the sound of a loud crash as the car’s steering would give out and the carrot-shaped monster would be left in a crumpled heap on the highway’s shoulder. I would worry about brain damage to the driver, but, you have to must already have some brain damage to think that it was a good idea to buy the ugly monster in the first place.

This car saw production all the way up until 1990, with SV, GT, and QV versions being made available as time went on. Although some people may remember this bedroom wall car poster vehicle with fond memories, and although there are some uneducated people who look at this car and think “Wow! Now that’s a Lamborghini!” There are still some, such as myself who see car for what it truly is... one big problem.

It rattled and shook more than a poorly put together soap-box racer. A more accurate description is most likely a comparison to the cardboard “roll cage” young children put on their little red wagons before engaging in a demolition derby. That was about how comfortable it was. Where as Lamborghini Miura, although quite simple, offered a beautiful interior, with lovely seats and a beautiful dashboard, the Countach had an interior more reminiscent of a plastic factory. It did away with the lovely wood paneling and beautiful steering wheel, and added rough and ugly surfaces and a barely passable disk as a steering device. The Gear Box was stickier than a pot of honey and melted wax and constantly felt like it was fighting you. The tires were horrible beyond belief and the underside of the car looked like a fat man sat on a plumbing factory and broke it. Then there is the matter of the optional rear wing, yes, the same one from the, if possible, even more hideous QV version. As you most likely know, or at least you should know, the point of a rear wing on a car is to increase downforce. This, in turn, increases handling, but normally reduces the top speed of the car. The rear wing that was available on the Countach, while decreasing the speed of the car, did nothing at all to increase the handling. It made the car rock back and forth around the corners and looked hideous. 

There are so many things wrong with this V12 hunk of expensive junk that I can safely say that even though it is a supercar, it is not a “Super Car.”