Car Protective Services

We all know stories of Child Protective Services taking away children... but why not a similar service for the car. This is what I propose.



If you like cars, chances are you come across websites like barnfinds.com. These websites specialize in old abandoned cars, normally muscle cars or classics, that have been left to rot in sheds and barns. Whilst watching the step by step restoration of these timeless classics is fascinating, I always get extremely enraged whenever I see something like an old 1964 Ford Mustang just sitting in someone's yard as a heap of rusted scrap because they couldn't be bothered with the upkeep of such a magnificent vehicle. So I have come up with a plan. Whenever someone purchases either a car with a quite a bit of value of $200,000 or more, or a car that has potential to hold a large value, they will have to sign a Car Protective Services plan. This means that once every two or three years, the vehicle owner will get a visit from a brand representative to check up on the vehicle. As long as the vehicle isn't in terrible condition or completely abandoned, everything will be fine. But if a brand representative finds that the car has been neglected, such as the Ferrari F50 seen below, the owner will be fined a hefty price for "neglect of classics."

This particular F50 had animals living in it and was rusting away. Of course, the amount of money on the fine would be tied to the value of the car. As of right now, a good condition F50 costs around 1.6 to 2 million dollars. A reasonable fine for a car of this value would be anywhere from $100,000 to $350,000. a system like this, with such measures, would be harsh, but fair. Certain things such as disability of the owner and whether or not the car had been gifted or inherited since the last inspection, would be taken into account. As I have previously said, it would be harsh, but if you can afford to buy the car in the first place, you should be able to afford the upkeep. This system will allow cars that are considered "amazing" or "classic" today to continue to be just that and would result in a lot less of this...

And a lot more of this...

The Ford Ass Fire (1994-1996 Ford Aspire)

The mid to late 1990's were not a pretty time for Ford, or the rest of the automotive world. Almost everything on the roads looked a failed Wacky Races extra but boring. But, as with any mess, there are a few cars that rise above the rest. These are the cars that are the worst of the bog of pure shit from that time period. One of those cars is the 1996 Ford Aspire, or more accurately, the Ford "Ass Fire." It is one of the most critically flawed vehicles on   this blog . I would say "buckle up" or "strap in" at this point, but honestly, I wouldn't even recommend getting in the damn thing to start with.  Anyway, brace yourselves for the utter embarrassment to the automotive world that is the 1996 Ford Aspire.

Let's start with how much the average person, or even car enthusiast knows about this car. Well, the world doesn't seem to, or at least doesn't want to, know about the car. What I am About to show you ois the entire Wikipedia article on the vehicle. Okay, here it goes. "The Ford Aspire nameplate has been used by the American automobile manufacturer Ford for the following cars, in the following markets: 

• Ford Festiva, in North America from 1993 to 1997
• Ford Figo, a rebadged third generation Ford Ka, in India since 2015"

There you go. That is all that Wikipedia has on the vehicle. As the article, if you can call it that, so kindly points out, the name was also used on the Ford Festiva in North America. However, towards the end of that tenure, Ford made the shitbox into it's  own vehicle. The vehicle was based largely off the ungainly Ford Festiva Sx, the 1996 Aspire picked up from where that failure had left off. It sported many of the same panelings and an almost identical shape. However, where as the Ford Festiva SX was laughably stupid and killed off quite quickly, this butt-ugly son of a bitch refused to die and became an unfortunate scar on the company's, at that time already failing, reputation. Another thing that is difficult to tell is what warped mind was responsible for the pure disaster that was the design of the vehicle. This was largely due to the fact that the Aspire wasn't even originally buit by Ford at all, it was built by Kia for the Korean market. Did the motoring world care? Fuck no! They just new the damn this was toxic as hell and knew to stay the hell away from one. There were Evan several joke calls to local authorities with one basic complaint... "someone has put a horrible statue where my parking space is supposed to be."

Anyway, now let's talk stats. An important thing to note here is that the car was available in both automatic drive and manual. Let's start by talking feul consumption. Keep in mind that, by this point, the 1995 first generation Toyota Prius Hybrid was already in place. With that out of the way, here are the numbers.

 Automatic (City): 8.0 mpg

Automatic (Highway): 6.3 mpg

Manual (city): 6.9 mpg

Manual (highway): 5.2 mpg

Those numbers are some of the worst-in-class for this class of vehicle.  And while we are on the subject of worst-in-class things, the 3-Dr only had one engine... a tiny little shit-can of an 8-valve 1.3L L4 SOHC. That's right, the tragic little Honda engine went in a Ford made by Kia. And the cheap low grade part's didn't stop there as the car boasted a sluggish and sticky 3-speed automatic gearbox that made the gearbox in the Mustang II look like the work of gods. Many gearbox failures were reported in the 1996  version of the car, as well as many reports of the gear stick either getting stuck, normally whilst on the highway, or snapping clean off. Then we come to the car's top speed. Well, there isn't really much of one as this hunk of junk could only reach 180KMPH (111 mph). A slightly better version was made available to make up for this. This version added 2 more horsepower and a 5-speed gearbox.
Everything about this car is tragic, enough said.

Aston Martin DB5: One Of The Most Iconic Cars Ever Made

Yes, there was once a time where cars were actually allowed to look this good. Sadly, the art of building a car with a beautiful shape to last generations has been lost. That is why, in a modern age of flat-body Lamborghini's and Ferrari clones with absolutely nothing that makes them unique except for the price tag and top speed, it is always good to remember what a truly beautiful and rare car looks like. That is why, today, in this article, I hope to give you a taste of the glory and pure beauty and brilliance that is the iconic Aston Martin DB5.

First of all, to any person on  this planet who is lucky enough to own any version of this car, you a god among the race of man. Second of all, if you are the sort of person who owns such a magnificent vehicle and had chosen to neglect it, sitting in an abandoned shed perhaps, then you deserve to be thrown into the fires of hell for all eternity.

Anyway, now I have gotten that out of the way, time for the actual review. Just a quick heads up, expect nothing buy pure love for this car. So if you are looking for a hate review on this beauty of the road and silver screen, look elsewhere, although I imagine it might be hard to find one.

So, where to start. Well, I suppose a good a place as any to start would be to talk about what exactly makes this car an icon of the motoring world. So, as many people already know, Aston Martin is a British based car company that specializes in making extremity beautiful luxury suparcars. However they may not be as popular  as they are today without a little film called Gold Finger. That's right, it is almost impossible to talk about the Aston Martin DB5 without mentioning the James Bond film Gold Finger, or the other way around for that matter. The film has been regarded as one of, not only the greatest Bond films of all time, but also one of the greatest films of all time. Anyway, the film was, and still is very popular through almost all viewing audiences, and the Aston martins work of beauty was one of the reasons why. Not only did it really kickstart the whole cars aspect of the Bond film franchise, an aspect that has since then never be forgotten, but it was also front and center in the film. Even though the car was covered in some of the coolest extras of all time, such as a blades coming from the wheels and an ejector seat, but the film also did a brilliant job of showcasing the cars glory. The film made it absolutely clear that the car didn't need any extra gadgets to make the car look amazing... it already was. The car has made a few other returns to the Bond film series in one of the best Bond films and best films of all time, Goldeneye, and another main role in the epic 50th anniversary Bond film Sky Fall, this time as Bond's own personal vehicle. Don't feel two bad that the vehicles got destroyed as, for one thing, the ones that got destroyed were stunt vehicles, and secondly, Bond basically bestows the kiss of death upon any vehicle he drives. And hey, as proven in the film Spectre, at least the steering wheel survives from Sky Fall.

Anyway, now we have cover the DB5's main film appearances we can talk about that cost of this elegant motoring machine. Simply put... it's a lot. In more refined terms, listings online from the Classic Driver website price the vehicle at anywhere from around $783,370 to around  $1,109,775, and that isn't even counting the Price On Request ones, which are even more expensive. So, what do you get if you have this much cash to spend on a car that you won't even drive more than a hundred days a year due to ridicules insurance? Well let me tell you.  First off you get a beautifully designed and hand crafted motor vehicle that tops out at around 145, mph, hey if you were in this for the mind blowing top speed you should be looking for modern supercars and hypercars. Next, the care comes with a 4.0 L engine that packs  282 brake horsepower and a ; a new robust ZF five-speed transmission as well as  three SU carburettors, and that is only in the base model. The DB5  also came standard with reclining seats, wool carpets, electric windows, twin fuel tanks, chrome wire wheel hubs, an oil cooler, built in magnesium-alloy body built to the superleggera patent technique, exquisite full leather trim in the cabin and even a fire extinguisher for safety reasons. All versions of the car have two doors and are of a 2+2 configuration. The car even handles beautify.

And there you have it, the car that is the reason why true motoring enthusiast would gladly give up their home and healthcare and move into a trailer park to be able to purchase one of the finest cars man has ever made.

The PT Looser (2005 PT Cruiser Convertible)

Okay... this one is bad. Really, really bad. As if the normal hard-top version of this hipster shitbox wasn't bad enough, they had to go and give it a convertible roof that is so bad the modern Volkswagen Beetles are laughing. The 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible is a nightmare of bad taste and even worse craftsmanship. How bad is it exactly? well, keep reading this article to find out. With that out of the way, lets dive in.

First off, let's talk about who actually likes this car.  Well, almost no one does. This car was so bad it even ranked as the 16th Worst Car Of All Time in an article published by The Street. However, there are a few people who like this car, for some reasons. Most of those people fall into one main ctagoy. This is the category that we, the general public, like to call "The Dumbasses." These are the idiots are ones who fall for the low price tag gimmick. You can get a  of the 2005 PT Cruiser in great used condition for under $5,000. But should you? Hell no! The dumbasses who buy vehicles like this tent to have one thing on their minds. that being, cheap, low-level, convertible muscle, despite its many flaws. Honestly, i didn't think I'd be writing these word but, save up just a bit more cash and buy a 2005 Ford Mustang convertible... even a V6 version. Honestly, the more and more I learn about the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible, the more and moor a convertible V6 Ford Mustang of the same year begins to look like the greatest car in existence.

Remember when, a few lines ago, I mentioned that " The dumbasses who buy vehicles like this tent to have one thing on their minds. that being, cheap, low-level, convertible muscle, despite its many flaws." Well, here is where I talk about those many, many flaws. This could be a long list so strap in.

First off, the steering. I'm pretty sure most of you readers have either been on a bumpercar or seen one in  action. They slide around like they are on ice. People enjoy bumping into each other in the presuit of fun. Well, it is a similar experince behind the wheel of the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible, just instead of whooping and laughing when you slam into another car, you will be explaining to your mechanic, car insurance company and hospital why you make an average of three to five appointments a month. Seriously, the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible was ranked #1 in worst steering for vehicles of its class that year. Another problem this vehicle was known for was what happened when it got too cold out. Some vehicles, normally older ones, have problems starting up when the temperature drops. However, this vehicle got complaints right out of the gate. Not only would it not start but, due to a lack of sealing under the hood, the temperature would cause such problems as bad ignition starts, damaged plugs and wires, and even engine frost, a frost damage related problem where the en=gine freezes over. These problems were even worse than the ones found in BMW's 2005 M3. And to top it off, some of these problems occurred at temperatures starting at 38 degrees. Speaking of weather related problems, say you were driving along on a sunny day with the top down in almost any other modern convertible. The, all of the sudden, it starts to rain. No problem right? You just put the top up. Well good luck with that in the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible. This was because this accident prone roof was known to get stuck about 1 of every 3 to 4 tries. Next, we have the interior design, or, lack there of. It looked like a pseudo-luxury Saturn Ion crossed with the interior of the 2005  Ford Focus Station Wagon. 

See what I mean? Absolutely terrible. It looks like it may have been designed by a depressed preschooler who is high as hell off of sniffing glue. Seriously, I made fun of the Toyota Prius for having a plastic-filled interior bet even that wasn't this bad. Now we can talk about the aborted whale fetus baby that is the exterior of the vehicle. That was putting it nicely. The car starts off halfway between the fires of hell and a shitter by keeping the a;ready appallingly horrible design that made the original hard top version so bad. The not to mention that they didn't make any effort at all to make the roof support bar mesh with the rest of the car, if you can even call it a car. The result is a convertible that looks worse than Tanner's Chevy Express Van convertible that he built for Top Gear USA's Alaskan Convertible episode... at least Tanner's convertible was fully functional for what they needed itto do AND HE COULD DRIFT IT. Last but certainly not least, the brake issues. Yeah, they were pretty bad. The brakes not only wore out very, very quickly,but there were even reports of them failing without even leaving the dealership. There are some more repairs, hospital bills and insurance forms for you top sign. This car will, in a verry quick time, cost the ovner not only more mony than it is worth, which is $0.00 by the way, but will also cost more than it cost to purchase in the first place.

Now, if you'll excuse me, i must now go look at some Ford Pintos and Yugos to get my sanity back. 

10 Million Horses: Ford Celebrates 10,000,000 of the most iconic American muscle car ever made

The Ford Mustang. Anyone who has ever glanced at the car world knows the car. It has been around for a long time, since the vehicle was first launched in the early part of the 1960's, it has had many diffrent styles and generations, some better than others. But when was the last time you bothered to check how many of these incoic muscle cars have been mad? Probably a long time if ever. However, as you most likely know if you pay any atention at all to the automotive world, the car just made a big boom in the numbers world. On August 8th, 2018, ford announced the Ten Millionth Mustang! This occasion was marked by, among many things, by spelling the number in mustangs (see above). At this point it is only fair to show the many versions of the iconic Ford Mustang since it was created.

Generation 1: The Origional

The first generation Mustang has become, and almost certainly always will be, an iconic symbol in the worlds of not only American Muscle Cars and Muscle cars in general, but in iconic symbol across the motoring world. It's stylish. It's iconic. It was a game changer.... oh yeah, and it's fast. Anyone with even the slightest interest in cars can't help but stare if they see on go buy. It's the mustang that launched America's most iconic muscle car.

 Mustang MK II: Oh No

Riding high on the blazing success of its original iconic muscle car, Ford decided to market it's sale of the vehicle that makes many worst car of att time lists, the Ford Mustang II. People bought it, expecting the qualities that made the first car so amazing. But they got a trash-compacted shit heap instead. Nothing worked about this vehicle. It has even been known as fords second worst fail... right behind the infamous bomb on wheels, the pinto.

 Mustang Generation 3: Huh?

We would forgive you for not recognizing this as a Mustang. Mostly because it looks like a cross between an elongated origional Fiat Panda, and an original Ford Fiesta. However, that's not to say it doesn't have its own unique charm. People have been known to call it "The Cute-stang." And At least it isn't as bad as the Mustang II.

Mustang Mach One: A Mustang For Bond

That's right, it is arguably the most bad ass mustang ever made. It Was released for the for the first time in 1971 and was a huge hit. Everything about it just screams "Badass right her!" Yeah, they even got James Bond to Drive One in Diamonds Are Forever. Fucking bad ass.

Generation Four: Bad Looks On An Okay Car

There are many reasons do dislike, hate, or just straight up forget this version of the mustang. Even ford doesn't like it. It's looks are bland, ther were a massive upsurge in V6 Mustangs in this time, and it drives worse than a soap-box racer. To put it simply, there is a company going down hilll, and then there is a company falling off a cliff. And dont even get me started on the convertible. Sadly, this is one of the three most common Mustangs on the road today.

Generation 5: A Turn For The Better

The Generation 5 Mustang was a turn for the better. It lasted longer than many of the versions that came before it. Another interesting note is that Dodge ended up stealing it's looks for their reboot of the Dodge/Ram charger. Sadly, this version of the iconic pony-car will most like;y be known more for the fact that it lead to the spike in the V6 Mustang market than for actual being a good car.

Generation 6: Smooth Muscle... With A Downsisde

How could ford top the amazing 2012 remake of the already iconic Shelby GT500? Well, in a short answer, it couldn't. Don't get me wrong, it is still a nice  car, and looks like a more modern mustang should, it just feels too smooth. Too tame. It just feels off. Another downside is that this car had the unfortunate time frame of being released around the time of Ford's newest engine, one that was made for their re-imagining of the Fusion,. We got the Mustang-spirit killing Eco Boost Mustang. all the sudden the Mustang became more fordable to the masses, but at a cost. It was no longer really a super cool muscle car. It felt, to many, to driving around in a slightly cooler For Fusion. And who wants that? Well apparently the public did as it sold frustratingly well.

1983 Chrysler LeBaron convertible: A Roadway Disaster

This is very confusing.  Chrysler has, for a while now, been creation  pseudo-luxury cars. Even today, the  Chrysler  300 S has become a “poor man’s Bentley.” And even though those cars are far from perfect, they do, at least have a few redeeming features. The new ones have started to look nice, and has become comfy pseudo-cars in a line up that even includes a 5.7L V8 powered Sedan. But that’s not what we are here to look at today. Today, we are here to look at the odd and dumpy attempt at class that was the infamous 1983 Chrysler LeBaron.

Hmmm, where to start with this one. Well, with a car this awkward and dumpy looking, there isn’t really a good place to start. Every possible starting point is as bad as the next. So, here it goes.

First off, did someone forget to tell the folks at Chrysler that boats belong on water and not on land? Seriously, look at the second photo, the one angled from the back of the vehicle. It you were to cut off the wheels and fill in the gaps where they are supposed to go, put it on the water and you it would take a stretch of the imagination to think it was anything but a boat. The metal rack and the wood paneling on the side signal even more that this thing belongs on the water and not on land.

And the comparisons to large seagoing vehicles don’t stop there. The boat aspect of the design appears to have worked it’s way into the way the boat... uh, I mean car, handles. Cornering this thing was a nightmare. Not least due to the horrible weight of this thing. Never before has a four wheeled vehicle been flipped so easily whilst going around a gentle curve at 15 to 20 Miele an hour. And if you thought trying to get it to go around simple curves, bends, and turns, was bad, wait until you try to dive the thing in a straight line after only six months of owning the vehicle. It gets ugly fast. The ‘83 LeBaron didn’t react well to  wear and tear to begin with, but the steering in the vehicle took a particularly bad hit. After only 7 months or so of driving the  convertible shitbox, drivers expressed complaints that the vehicle wouldn’t drive in a straight line anymore.

It was an absolute nightmare. Not to mention the horrible excuse for a  canopy roof  found on the convertible version. The roof tended to rip open seemingly out of nowhere, when,  in actuality, all that had happened was that a small gust of wind had blown the wrong way across the roof. The paper-bag style quality of the roof is what lead to so many material replacements and taped up holes on the vehicle, and became one of the reasons why America, and the rest of the world, would like to forget about this horrible hunk of junk and put it out to sea where it belongs... and then sink it with a cruise  missile.

Car Spotting: Art On Wheels

San Francisco is an amazing city  filled with good food, good people, fun and interesting places, art, and of course, cars. And sometimes those things collide, as seen in the photos above. This vehicle, it appears to be a Volkswagen Van/Deluxe Type, was found on Stockton Street, just outside of San Francisco’s iconic and recognized Pier 39. It it a rolling art show, covered in what appear to be hand made paintings of San Francisco, as well as a massive  tie-dye  Swirl that takes up most of the vehicles front end, apart from the windshield that has been kept clear of any obstructions, paint related or otherwise, due to legal driving conditions. From the quick shots I was able to get of the vehicle as it drove over the hill and through the intersection, it appears to be made of all original parts and pieces. The vibrant and bright paint on the front and sides of the vehicle throws the non painted parts, the hub caps, window lining, bumper and faded  roof, in to sharp relief. There are quite a few  artistic cars in San Francisco, this just happens to be the only one I actually got a shot of last week. And I’m very glad I was able to see it.

Car Spotting: Chevy Custom

We, here at The Big Car Lot are proud to introduce what we hope will be a new series, Car Spotting. This series will consist of photos of cars we ourselves find in real life, along with short to long descriptions of the vehicle. With that out of the way, let’s get into it.

Here we have a gorgeous custom car, that appears to be a custom Chevy. This splendid gem of a Car was found in the sunny little seaside town of Avila Beach in California. From the outside, the car appears to be a restored classic, with a two-tone sparkling orange paint job that glitters I’m the light. However, several details of the car show that is a custom build. First of all, there are no brand markings on the vehicle. Second of all, the interior has, not only a beautiful looking old style dashboard with a modern finish, but it also has the word “Custom” in big silver raised letter scrawled across the bottom right hand corner. The steering wheel, with its multiple colors complements the dashboard set up perfectly,  and the whitish silver of the dashboard looks amazing. And lastly, when the car came down the hill, just across the street from the restaurant window where I was sitting enjoying my calamari, everyone’s heads were turned by the sound of the custom V12 engine.

Plymouth Prowler (1997 - 2002)

Have you ever dreamed of owning a PT Cruiser that had a bastard child with a 1930's Ford Roadster? No? Well fuck you because here it is.

That was basically the marketing for the car that most people refer to as the weirdest car of the 1990's/ When it came out in 1997, nobody knew what to think, exact that Acid and a car designing workshop don't mix very well. With bumpers that looked like over-sized versions of the ones that normally are reserved for go-carts at the mall, and colors so aggressive they made the entire world want  to kill themselves, this car was certainly an interesting direction for Plymouth, a company that, at the time was making boring and bland family cars.

The Plymouth prowler just showed up out of nowhere one day and became the laughingstock of the car community. Nobody really knows what audience the thing was intended for, crack addicts looking for a new fix perhaps? Anyway, the car came with a 3.5 L EGG V6 engine and an 4-Speed 42Le automatic gear box. Unsurprisingly, this car was perfect for modifiers, and mod shops were taking in more of these cars than almost any other hot-rod style car in 1999. Also, the car was loud to begin with, very ;loud. The whole point of a smaller V6 engine as apposed to a bigger V8 was to save space and weight. however, the folks at Plymouth must have liked noise quite a lot as they removed all noise dampening parts from the vehicle and it's engine casing. And that is even before modifications were installed by people who want a bigger kick out of their "road buggy." This was made easier with the slightly larger version of the car being made available starting in late 1999. The slightly  bigger frame of the Late '99 Prowler meant more space for more things. Thus began the modifications that led to the nightmarish and loud V12 Prowler, found in mod shops across the country. The vehicle was so loud when fitted with a V12 engine, that it came close to hitting the noise regulation limit for vehicles in several states. Finally, in 2002, production of the vehicle stopped after America finally came to their senses and opened their eyes to the odd monstrosity that was the Plymouth Prowler.

Toyota Celica GT (1998)

Toyota Corola (2001)

Honda Civic (2001)

Ouch! Sorry, it is just so hard to look at this thing on wheels. Where to start with this nightmare of a shit-box. I have an idea, let's start with the modern Honda civic. Many car buyers, as well as car enthusiasts, will admit that starting in 2015, it became socially acceptable to say to someone "Yes, I just bought the new Honda Civic" and not expect a harsh slap across the face and to be thrown from the building you are in. That is because, in 2016, the Honda Civic started to look good again for the first time since the car's creation. 

Sadly though, we are here today to take a look at the period of time that will be known from now onward as the "Shit Civic" period. This period begins with the 4th generation Civic, 1987, and lasts until the  end of the 9th Generation Civic in 2015. So, with so many years of horrible looking and under performing Civics to choose from how did we end up with 2001? Simple, I pinned about 18 different Civics from the Shit Civic period to a wall and threw a knife at the wall. The knife sunk it's blade into the paper printout of the bland box on wheels that is the 2001 Honda Civic. So, with that said, let us begin.

At this time, let me direct your attention to the horrible lump of metal that is at the top of this article. Yes, this abomination is what I will be talking about. Here we go.

So, I think we can all agree that the vehicle above is ugly beyond belief.. Let's start with the outside of the car. What the hell is going on with those wheel arches? Look at the back wheel,  it looks as if ot has been squished foreword, leaving a space where light shines through big enough that, if I so chose, I could fit my leg through it. However, the front wheels of the car have a noticeably smaller gap. This difference, although small at a glance, causes a drop in the handling, or lack thereof. Then there is the stock wheel plates on the car. Let me put it simply, if it doesn't look good on a Saturn Ion, and nothing looks good on a Saturn Ion, it won't look good on your car either. The car also features a sloping style with a slightly bigger roof than other cars in that style, creating a top heavy vehicle.

Let us take a quick glance at the inside of the 2001 Honda Civic. There were two versions made available. One looked more or less normal for the time, the other looks like it had time put into it, except for a stupid dashboard mounted shift. Thee second version wan canceled shortly after launch. The more common version, the one shown above, is covered in shitty plastic and easily stained cloth  that was known to tear at the slightest movement. The pedals were placed a few inches off from where they are normally located, another differences that, at first looks small, but makes a big and quite off difference. As of right now, a used Honda Civic from 2001 sells for around $580 to $1780. Here's a tip, go buy almost any other vehicle, anything but a 2007 Civic.

Toyota Hilux

There are many types of trucks on the planet today. Most go on the road, some go off the road, some do both. And there are many brands that make those types of trucks.  For the latest pile of crap that is the type of truck that Honda likes to make, to Ford's latest racing Raptor, you have many choices when it comes to buying your workhorse. However, there is one four-wheeled, rugged beast, that rises above the rest. And it comes from a brand that you might not expect. That's right, its a Toyota. Some say that it is just a truck like any other. We say it is the best truck in the world. It also serves as Toyota's apology for their wimpy hunk of junk called the Toyota Prius. Apology more than accepted.

Unlike other companies such as Honda, Toyota's truck, the Hilux, has an amazing history of success. This success started way back with the first model of the truck all the way back in 1968, fifty years ago, in a truck market mostly dominated by the big American brands that were, and still are, Chevy and Ford. It also was illegal in America for a while because of the parts used to make it. It was deemed too powerful and unsafe for the US  market. But that didn't stop pieces for the trucks being sent over the border into the United States and build built HERE. But it is still badass and tough as ever, and, as Top Gear UK and Top Gear USA both proved, completely INDESTRUCTIBLE!

Toyota Prius

Imagine being around eight years old in 1997 and your dad has just got a big holiday bonus and, one night, he says he is going to trade in your family's old car and get a new one. The entire family is exited and waits on the doorstep leading into the driveway, ready to see what the new car will be. Maybe a Ford or a Chevy. Now imagine your sad face as your dad pulls into the driveway in a car that looks like a reject from the recycling plant.

Now fast forward to today where Toyota still makes cars that look and sound worse then Donald Trump's most recent midnight Tweet. Toyota's hunk of junk hybrid known as the Prius has changed a few times in terms of styling over the years, if you can call it styling that is. They appear to create each new design of the car by squeezing it through the new cheapest Play-Doh press and seeing what shape would look at home in a town's land fill. Despite all this, the Toyota Prius is the city of San Francisco, California. This means that lots of people in San Francisco have at leas a small thing wrong with the way their brains function.

But enough of the history of this crappy tin can, lets talk about the car itself. Now, I ride in a 2011 white Toyota Prius most of the time. Trust me, it was not by choice. It was either the Japanese ride from hell, or a 2006 Ford Focus station wagon, a car that has such bad steering you might as well need a boating licence to drive it. But anyway, lets us talk about the car's interior.  Most car's interior gets BETTER as the time goes on.  This is not the case with the Prius. Interior improvements for the Prius series stopped around 2009. Here is a question for all you readers. Do any of you have memories of riding in a car, possibly in the back, maybe late at night, and propped your head against the side of the door, just below the window, to have a little snooze and make the ride go by faster? I'm guessing that most of you have memories at least similar to that. What's that you say? You would like to attempt that in a Prius? Well, I'm sorry but that is almost impossible. That is mostly because the top of the door of a Prius, where you would rest your head, is solid plastic of the worst kind imaginable. Every time the Prius hits even the smallest of bumps, and sometimes when you don't hit anything at all, the impact can be felt on all inner-door panels.  This flings your head off off the door and flings you out of your dreams of a better car, so basically any car but a Prius. Before you can recover from this sudden shock, the weight of your head and the force known as gravity, will slam your head painfully against the glass of the awful plastic of the door frame. The same horrible plastic can be found on the dashboard.

So I think I might have given some solid consumer advice. NEVER OWN A PRIUS... EVER!

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Citroen 2CV

Recently my email has been getting many requests to review another James Bond car. Well, you probably weren't expecting this one. James bond was only ever a passenger in the Citroen 2CV used in the film For Your Eyes Only, that is until he gains control of the wheel after the car is flipped on his side. Known world wide as "the better-looking VW Beetle." This car, although hated by many has a past rich with color. It was built to replace the common horse,  but that is not the only thing this little  car is known for. It was currently in the prototype stage during World War Two in France, when the Nazis arrived. In a quick but bold move, the prototypes for the 2CV were hidden across France. Some were burred underground. Some were hidden in run-down barns and houses. They are still turning up in odd places, even today. It official went into production in 1948, and stopped being made in 1990, all with verry little detail and design changes to the original. I would personally still have one of these over a Volkswagen Betle, as this car is a four-door that is somewhere between a hatchback and a coupe. All in all, a funny and iconic little car, and if it is good enough for James Bond, then it should be good enough for you.

Smart Car

Mercedes-Benz is known for creating relatively luxurious cars, normally for upper middle class and above. They have been responsible for some of the sleekest and most iconic cars of the last 100 years. From the iconic gull-wing roadster, to the SLK and SLS, not to mention the Mercedes-Benz AMG performance car decision, Mercedes has made some super cool cars. However, there is, as is the case with most brands, an elephant in the room. A company that is owned by Mercedes-Benz and their parent/partner company Daimler AG. I’m talking about SMART. Founded in 1994, the brand is known for making a car that looks the same, with small differences that turn it from bland and boring, to a squished jelly-bean. Apart from the 2003 SMART roadster, which never even saw release in the United States, the designs have been as bland and boring as the late 90’s and early 2000’s muscle cars. SMART tries to make their cars more eye-catching colors, such as the eye-burning yellow that will look perfectly at home when your brakes give out while pushing the car to the built in limiter on the highway and you end up embedded in a hazard sign post. After 2014, only SMART-ELECTRIC cars were released in America. A marketing and advertising campaign for the most recent SMART convertible called it “the perfect car to drive with your family along sunny roads by the beach, filled with compact elegance.” How High were they when they wrote that? The car is a two-seater, and the second a child touches the damn thing, it will tip over, so don’t even think about driving too close to s lovely beach view cliff, unless you want to experience first-hand what it is like to have a midget wet-weather wheel chair compacted into a nice ball... a ball that probably had better mobility and a better turning circle than it did before. Also, there is no reason for a digital speed limiter to even exist in this car, except for the fact that if you go to fast, say 116 mph down a hill, the whole thing starts shaking like a Yugo That has just come down from a crack high. It is a car meant to fit in alleyways between buildings, and cramped spaces in building and driveways in big cities. Also, if you are just over 6 foot 3, you might always have to have the roof open, or risk getting the worlds most bruised head other than a victim of a wrecking-ball drop. The glass used to make the windows in 2010 and 2015 had to be redesigned 5 tones to fit industry standards. Also, for the money you pay, for an electronic model, even without the performance package, you are better off buying one of little electric cars they make for kids. Seriously, this is a problem if biblical proportions. And it needs to be stopped.

Dodge Viper ACR (2014)

The Dodge Viper exploded to the scene in the late 90s, and hasn’t really changed a lot since then. Even so, it was quite sad to hear that, at the end of 2017, it would. be put out of production. This was so dodge could make way for the Dodge Demon in their lineup. However, I am not here talk about the demon. I’m here to talk about the Viper, in this case the 2014 Dodge Viper ACR. 

There have been many versions of the Dodge Viper ACR since it began. But the look that we know and love today really started with the 2008 version. A later version of the normal viper body, badass scary put events, a badge that is a brake light, and a massive wing are just some of the features that make this car so cool to look at. 

The ACR versions from 2008 and 2014 May not be the fastest Vipers, actually the slowest in the entire range of new vipers, but they are definitely the coolest. The reason that it  is slower than the other vipers, at least the newer versions, is because of the massive GT spoiler wing at the back. The swing provides down force. That means it forces the car into the track for better handling. This makes the car very adept at turning, and as it was meant as a race car, this is something that you want. The car is interior is pretty good for such a loud car. The seats are nice, steering wheel has just the right amount of grip, and the pedals aren’t too clunky. Nor is the gearshift. While it is hard, you can find this car in an automatic gearbox if you are an idiot. If you end up purchasing the automatic version, you are inferior scum that deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth. Seriously though, this car is much worse as an automatic. It was a really stupid decision of dodge to even release is one. If you not have enough talent to drive a manual car, then you have no right owning the 2014 Dodge Viper ACR.

I mentioned before the car was extremely loud. It is. Very very very loud. It’s the loudest viper stock you can buy. The car has a massive engine that sends so much power to  the wheels that it feels absolutely insane. This car takes off like a rocket. Take off can be so brutal in fact, that the seats actually had to be reshaped from the previous ACR versions, just so the driver’s neck wouldn’t snap. Seriously insane stuff. 

The car can go from 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds. That might not sound like a lot, especially when compared to the Dodge Demon that can do it in 2.3 seconds, but this car is excel ration is so mind meltingly fast, that it might feel like 1.1 seconds. Has 600 pounds of torque per foot, as well as near-perfect steering control. The car comes with some seriously awesome tires and 645 horse power from a 8.4 Liter V 10 engine. You can pick up a 2014 model for about $88,000. Or the 2017 version for Around $90,000. And that’s without all the optional extras.

So what are you waiting for? Go ride in one today, And go buy one, if you can, before It disappears from the general market market, to make way for the dodge demon.

Lamborghini Countach

I am going to compose myself and prepare for the shit-storm of hate that will be blown my way at the end of this review. Okay here we go.

In the 1960’s Lamborghini was at the top of its game in the 20th century, with cars like the stunning Miura. Which is why,  when, in 1974, petrol-heads and the general public alike, was stunned When Lamborghini released the Countach. This “retro rocket” screamed “STUPID!” as it flew past, leaving only the sound of it’s awful and distorted V12 engine in its wake. Then, only a few moments later, you would hear the sound of a loud crash as the car’s steering would give out and the carrot-shaped monster would be left in a crumpled heap on the highway’s shoulder. I would worry about brain damage to the driver, but, you have to must already have some brain damage to think that it was a good idea to buy the ugly monster in the first place.

This car saw production all the way up until 1990, with SV, GT, and QV versions being made available as time went on. Although some people may remember this bedroom wall car poster vehicle with fond memories, and although there are some uneducated people who look at this car and think “Wow! Now that’s a Lamborghini!” There are still some, such as myself who see car for what it truly is... one big problem.

It rattled and shook more than a poorly put together soap-box racer. A more accurate description is most likely a comparison to the cardboard “roll cage” young children put on their little red wagons before engaging in a demolition derby. That was about how comfortable it was. Where as Lamborghini Miura, although quite simple, offered a beautiful interior, with lovely seats and a beautiful dashboard, the Countach had an interior more reminiscent of a plastic factory. It did away with the lovely wood paneling and beautiful steering wheel, and added rough and ugly surfaces and a barely passable disk as a steering device. The Gear Box was stickier than a pot of honey and melted wax and constantly felt like it was fighting you. The tires were horrible beyond belief and the underside of the car looked like a fat man sat on a plumbing factory and broke it. Then there is the matter of the optional rear wing, yes, the same one from the, if possible, even more hideous QV version. As you most likely know, or at least you should know, the point of a rear wing on a car is to increase downforce. This, in turn, increases handling, but normally reduces the top speed of the car. The rear wing that was available on the Countach, while decreasing the speed of the car, did nothing at all to increase the handling. It made the car rock back and forth around the corners and looked hideous. 

There are so many things wrong with this V12 hunk of expensive junk that I can safely say that even though it is a supercar, it is not a “Super Car.”